long over due

i am not perfect. and i know i have hurt people close to me. it seems to be the trend. i am sorry to ALL i have hurt and pushed away. because i was scared. scared of change. i think in the end i hurt myself the most. i only hope you can find it in your heart(s) to forgive me.

on the now

why is it that i never let myself be happy? and i mean truly happy. perhaps i have always been this way. of course there are false superficial external happy moments. a great run. a yoga sesh. a splurge at Sports Authority (yes i said Sports Authority) a great book, a great song, an intellectual conversation. but i mean a down to your core, uncontrollable, overwelming happiness that eminates from your entire being. what does happiness mean to me? is it where i am in my life? what i have accomplished? i think happiness is a mental state that i may not be ready for. yes i have grown alot, and experienced alot. but i still have alot of growing and learning to do.

high school

i work in an office where high school comes up regularly. perhaps that is because i work in an orthodontist office and the majority of our patients are in high school. also because the doctor and his wife have a daughter in high school, and we have a part time student employee. i went to waiakea high here in hilo and have to say am quite proud of that. in high school i was one of those over achiever, dorky types. i was definitely very active. i participated in cross-country and track, chaired several activities, and was in "advanced" classes. all while maintaining my social image of course. at that age you think you "know it all" and i did, we all did. although i was a good student, the teenage years are always very turbulent in a household.

at work i am reminded of those wonderful years of adolescence. of course things have changed and i by no means consider this phase of my life as the best, but here is a list of a few of the memories that will never be forgotten:

1. a. lisha-the best friend, the many note writing, gossip parties, sleep overs, dances, clubs, and boys that we were involved with. b. tiff
2. stepping in a hole while running and tearing ligaments in my ankle. the crutches that i was forced to use. and the aircast that came w/it.
3. the boys. enough said.
4. kiwins-initiation, leadership camps, that damn blue shirt, mr. anderson, the dances/events with hilo high (the "other" high school in town)
5. the yearbooks-why was it so relevant that everyone and his brother signed your book, even if it was just to sign their name on their photo? and of course the whole page reserved for the best friend.
6. the dances-some of my favs were MY junior ball and MY senior prom, although i look back on it now and i hate my hair! what were we thinking?
7. french class-mlle (i think that is the correct abbreviation, it's been a while) richardson, 4 years.
8. the quad and "who" stood where
9. male cheer leading-oh yes.
10. mr. olive-chemistry, physics, and science club (yes like i said before i was a dork)
11. 4-H-Kalopa, monthly meetings, the outings, the girls
12. mrs. tanabe's room
13. casey hitting me in the head with a paper airplane in mrs. naungayan's tenth grade GT english class while i was in crutches (boy that was mouthfull)
14. freshman summer-those of you who know it, know it was definitely fun filled
15. summer school
16. the salad bar at lunch
17. ceramics-2 years. i am not the most artistic so it was interesting. p.s. my pieces looked like something made out of play-doh compared to my artist of a sister's pieces.
18. leadership camp
19. graduation
20. working at the pahoa and hilo public libraries
21. memorial day leis-mr. hirai's class (hahaha)

i am sure there are more. what are some of your favorite high school memories?

blogs

more blogs to come. i have many ideas stewing in my head, including a continuation on the memory blog.

memories

memories can be both rewarding and painful. there are good and bad memories. the bad memories, the ones we would like to forget, always find a way to creep into our mind's eye. for me the memories i would like to forget are centered around regret. regret for the mistakes i have made in the past. mistakes i would like to forget. yes i should move forward and learn from these mistakes for they make me who i am, but that doesn't stop them from entering my thoughts from time to time. why do memories pop in and out of our lives? of course there our triggers in every day life that spark memories, whether it be an event or a place. another question is: are we remembering the event or person, or are we remembering the emotion felt? or both?

so there are the negative memories, but there are also the positive ones too. i would endure all of my bad memories to recreate one of the good. the memories we never forget are the ones that make us laugh out loud, the ones that take us back, allow us to relive. like little helpful reminders that the present is special, that the present is what makes these memories.

either way memories are permanent markers in our mind that paint a picture of our lives; memories can never be taken away.

i have many wonderful memories, and a few bad. i remember my sister teaching me how to ride a bike in the backyard on an orange and black bicycle. i remember my dad baking cakes in the evening, i remember patiently waiting as he frosted them. i remember my mom labeling every crayon and pen for my sister and i to take to school. i remember the smell of my dad's wood shop. there are so many i have a feeling this will be a two part blog...

what are your favorite memories?

jealousy

i often times find myself being jealous of someone or something. mostly someone. in particular ONE someone. the thing is i know i shouldn't be jealous of this person. i have alot to offer, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. but i still am. i mentally compare myself to this person frequently. but what is it that i am jealous of? success, beauty, charisma, athleticism? yes, all of the above. i know that some of my jealousy issues have to do with my own self-esteem. the difficult part is that i know i shouldn't be jealous, i know i should value who i am and what i have to offer. I DO. but i still am envious.

jealousy, however, can be productive. using that fuel to fire. whether it be in a workout or anything else in life. is it human nature to be jealous?

friendship

as i think back at all the friends i have had over the past years i realize that they can be categorized into three types: true friends, acquaintances, and those who fall in between. i can honestly say that i would not trade my true friends for any of the others who fall into the other two categories. thus, i only have a couple of friends who i consider true.

but what makes someone a true friend? to me it is understanding, compatibility, laughter, trust, communication. my best friend and i have lived in different cities for most of our adult lives, but have managed to keep our friendship strong. i KNOW without a doubt that no matter how long between our conversations our next will pick up right where we left off. there aren't very many people that i would do anything for, infact i can count only two: my best friend and my sister. but i know they would do the same for me. perhaps that is the point, a mutual understanding that the other is there without question. i feel completely myself when i am with my best friend and we laugh like there is no tomorrow. i could go on and on about the reasons i love my true friends but i won't. instead i would like to hear your thoughts. what makes a true friend? what are the special qualities in your friends?