long over due

i am not perfect. and i know i have hurt people close to me. it seems to be the trend. i am sorry to ALL i have hurt and pushed away. because i was scared. scared of change. i think in the end i hurt myself the most. i only hope you can find it in your heart(s) to forgive me.

on the now

why is it that i never let myself be happy? and i mean truly happy. perhaps i have always been this way. of course there are false superficial external happy moments. a great run. a yoga sesh. a splurge at Sports Authority (yes i said Sports Authority) a great book, a great song, an intellectual conversation. but i mean a down to your core, uncontrollable, overwelming happiness that eminates from your entire being. what does happiness mean to me? is it where i am in my life? what i have accomplished? i think happiness is a mental state that i may not be ready for. yes i have grown alot, and experienced alot. but i still have alot of growing and learning to do.